...the suicidal thoughts that I had is not just caused by the show cause letter. It is too petty to compare with the problems that I have been facing of late.
I felt like I am working for no purpose. My career has been my life. I dedicated, no, I devoted my life pleasing others. I spent more time trying hard to be perfect, but what do I get in return? Has it been satisfactory?
When your work is being questioned by those who do not understand, would you be able answer them, and provide them with what they want to hear?
I have sacrificed my precious personal time for my career. There is not even time for intimacy, back home drained, just to be harrassed by people who do not understand "cable cut" and "AIS alarm". I spent most of my time coordinating service installation than coordinating family outing. And yet people keep asking me why I am not even with a child. "Is it a matter of choice?" Is that a question? Is there an option?
I spent more time pondering on what would happen, what would I be fighting for tomorrow. Competitor? More sarcastic emails? Other units, supposedly 'supportive' by nature, but instead being defensive and unilateral? How many show cause letters should I get? Why can't my superior appreciate my work as a whole, not just seeing my figures and forget all the hours you put in to do non-sales, operational work? Why do they never appreciate that I know more on the technical aspect like the back of my hands than 4 sales staffs put together?
Yes, sometimes things do not happen our way. But for how long? How long should I continue to worry about discount plans that never work on your favour? How long should I suffer in silence?
Why should I bear the scar of previous mistakes by others like it was my own? Why am I subjected to this mental ailments just to seek acceptance by others?
Sometimes I wish that I can just float away into oblivion and never come back. Maybe I should start getting my vices. Something strong, something dark. Temporarily black me out and free me from this deep, sinking feeling. If only I can unleashed this dark monster out of my head. I can hear voices banging hard on the back of my head. "It should be fast, Aumi; one slash/knot/drink, and you'll be free." It's going on and on and on and on...
The worse fear is not knowing what do you fear. And I fear that the most.
Hun, return my call, will you?
Kak Aumi, the reason I'm still alive today is because I fear the pain of the dying process.
And I'm still happy to be alive, once the feeling is gone. I try to manage myself and try to be thankful.
I'm writing to you to tell you that I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I know it's tiring facing the world, without people really caring when they have sworn to care.
I'll be here if you need me. You just need to reach out.
Assalamualaikum,
take a break. go and have vacation.
Appreciate yourself. It is not worth if you are taking your own life just because of that reason or ANY reason. Life is beautiful if you live to the fullest. Just remember , when you are sad or alone, bad inspiration/thoughts from shaitan are easy to come. Remember there's always a way to solve your misery, just remember of the Almighty Allah because as stated in the quran, "Hanya dengan mengingati Allah, maka hati akan menjadi tenang".
If you frustated with your current job, than quit. find other job or best, start your own business and give other people job or better, devote yourself to your marriage.
Remember, YOU ARE IN FULL CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.
your friend :)